Financial Infidelity
January 26, 2010 by: Dave Ozment 
So, when was the last time you cheated on your spouse? What? It’s a fair question, no need to get all bent out of shape. We all cheat on our spouses from time to time. Heck, I know I’ve done it twice, at least that I can recall. Some folks consider it sport or simply a normal way of life. That’s just how some households roll.
Now to be sure, I am not talking about marital infidelity. That is a serious and life altering violation.
Rather, I’m referring to infidelity as it relates to the household budget. How many times or how often have you made significant purchases outside the bounds of spousal approval or review?
I know I’ve done this twice – my wife may well remind me of other times when she reads along.
I once spent the lion’s share of a tax refund to carpet the basement and another time bought and installed a surround sound unit while she was out of town. In both instances I felt the purchases were necessary but hindsight does allow validity for my wife’s assertion that we could have used the money in other more pressing ways.
In fairness, my transgressions were minor and directionally aligned with improvements for our shared space, but the execution was poor on my part. I surely could have, and should have, involved my beloved in the decision making process. It is a lesson I’ve since learned and we now enjoy more frequent and open communication on the topic of our finances.
On another end of the continuum, I remember a couple years ago listening to Ramsey read a letter from a listener. In the letter the writer conveyed the story of his wife opening numerous charge cards and racking up tens of thousands of dollars in charges. The man woke up thinking he was free of all non-mortgage debt and ready to enjoy his life’s diligence only to find that his household was actually buried under nearly forty-thousand dollars worth of credit card debt. I recall being horrified at the prospect which only begins to approximate how he must have felt.
Betrayal, damaged trust and respect, and anger so commonly associated with one form of infidelity certainly apply here as well.
So how do we confront or combat this behavior before it gets out of hand. I can think of 3 easy ways to get started.
Grow-up – Let’s be honest, my purchases were impulsive and rooted in a sense of entitlement. I am the primary earner in our home and I allowed that fact to direct my actions with only slight regard for the opinions of my wife. I look back now and recognize my behaviors as silly and childish. And now with a much more collaborative bent towards our finances, I know the prudence of making these decisions as a team.
Communicate – In a marriage there is no such thing as too much communication. As a man, I may find there to be instances of too much chatter but open and honest and connected communication represent prized moments. Sharing from our broad financial plans to our mundane monthly budgets to our ever evolving “list” of next-in-line home projects ensures that we’re both pulling in the same direction.
Allow Wiggle Room – The easiest way to have freedom within the constraints of a budget is to build it into the process. Matching his and her ‘blow’ money line items allow flexibility for smaller impulse purchases which often scratches the psychological itch enough to empower restraint against the larger budget busting spin outs.
So now you’ve been both warned and equipped, keep your wallet in your pants and the salesman out of your purse – all in the name of enhanced harmony at home.
Photo By: fpsurgeon
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Dave -
I can only say I wish I’d seen this message 15 years ago. In our case, I’m the one who keeps getting us into trouble, not out of a sense of entitlement, but out of a sense of embarrassment – I let things start to spin out of control and…well…
Fortunately, I’ve never gotten us farther *into* debt, but I’ve certainly hurt our credit rating as I’ve messed things up, and I’ve definitely impacted our savings over the years.
So speaking as somebody who is currently fighting this situation – thanks. You painted with a broad brush, and somehow you got a portrait of me in there. Any tips for digging myself out of it other than the first – ‘fess up (again), which has already been done?
Thanks!
Unfortunately, until couples learn how to communicate in areas, especially finances, there is going to be martial infidelity around. During the course of my job, I find that many spouses have gotten themselves in a financial fix and are seeking a way to keep the problem hidden. That of course, seldom works. The best policy is to be open and honest about finances even before marriage, including checking out credit reports, clearing up past problems, if necessary, and of course, being open and honest in financial discussions. I am no marriage counselor, but I bet if your tips were applied, it would certainly limit the opportunity and temptation for martial infidelity. Thanks for the timely article.
Lillie´s last blog ..Teen Credit: The good and bad that you need to know.
Hey Lillie… it is interesting that you see so many folks trying to cover up their loose spending. How awful a situation for that person but also for their spouse. I simply can not imagine working so hard and trying to build a sense of financial security only to have it devastated by a spendthrift spouse…. but what is telling – or at least assumed – in my stance is that I am active in not only communicating but also creating the financial goals for our household. These shared goals and open communications establish accountability but also foster openness when one of us goes overboard every once in a while.
Having separate accounts and goals and accountabilities with no communication is a disaster and both parties are to blame. Household budgeting is a two player sport.
Thanks for commenting… I love the discussion!
Dave
The way you constructed this article is really great! It has a nice flow and carries a constant theme. One of your better articles to date, I can really see your writing evolving the more you do it! Bravo!
Now, onward to the question at hand. The honest answer, from my perspective, is never. Of course, I’ve only been with my girlfriend for 3 years now so the time frame for transgression is small compared to others. When there is a major purchase or financial decision to be made, we always discuss it, whether it is plane tickets to Iceland or whether to spend a couple hundred more on a new bed so that we can get the larger flat screen for “free”.
We budget our money to ensure that the bills are paid, on time and in full. We have a joint account to ensure any shared expenses such as food, utilities or rent come from that and we also have our own personal accounts which we use to make our personal purchases such as clothing or luxury goods (such as my recent iPod purchase). This method works for us the best. We don’t argue about money and talk freely about budgeting for upcoming expenses.
You are absolutely spot on that communication about money is probably the most important part of a healthy and happy relationship. Thankfully I am with a woman who shares my sense of thrift (for the most part) and we don’t go crazy with our purchases. Each is thought out and discussed and more times than not we end up not buying anything because we both look at each other with the “Really? Is that a ‘need’” eyes. Haha!!!
Great article Dave!
steven@hundredgoals.com´s last blog ..Cozumel, Mexico
Thanks Steven, I appreciate the compliments. You know, some of my better writting comes towards the end of a ‘batch’ session. I’ll sometimes crank out 4 or 5 articles in just a couple days. When I’m in that flow the work just gets better. Too bad my day job keeps me from writting as much and often as I’d like. I might actually be pretty good at it.
Hey, good for you if you’ve had success in this area. That speaks highly of your relationship and the mutual respect in play there. And keeping that system on track is easier once those bounds or understandings are in place. I love the idea that a simple look can serve as a reality or accountability check. You guys must be doing great together.
Thanks for commenting… I really do appreciate the support.
Dave
Good article. I’ve been think about this subject for some time and have been seeing posting about over the last week. I have cheated too, but not for a while. We review our money together even though I’m usually the money driver. I just can seem to buy anything without talking to her first. By talking over our purchases, we’ve been able to NOT inpulse buy. Both of us are spenders and this seems to be the only way we can work together to pay off our debt.
I completely agree with the 3 steps. It is completely selfish to just buy something for the sake of buying it. Once you communicate with your spouse iftwill become clear to any objections they have. And the wiggle room is great because you can give and receive when it comes to the ruling on purchases (ie I’ll go along with this one if you cut me some slack on that one). Yes this could just be enabling, but with care you can make good choices with the money.
Jeff´s last blog ..How to Calculate Net Worth
Thanks Jeff. It is important to communicate and be on the same page… and to have that person keep you on that page with a spending tempation comes around.
Thanks for commenting,
Dave